Mai Tai Group

Why Our Need Closure From Past Relationships Is Rarely Satisfied 

It doesn’t matter how many questions you’ve had answered in your quest for closure. There will always be more. Closure is almost always impossible because questions beget more questions.

On your computer, if you draw a rectangle and then put a line halfway through it to create two rectangles, and then another line halfway through the new rectangle you’ve drawn, and then another line halfway through this new rectangle, and keep going and going, you’ll never reach the other side of the rectangle. 

It might look as though you have reached the other side and you may feel you’ve reached the other side but it’s an illusion. Zoom in and you’ll see you haven’t succeeded getting to the other side. It doesn’t matter how many lines you draw, it will always be out of reach to some extent.

This image of a rectangle is what comes to my mind when people talk about closure in the context of a romantic relationship.

Closure is about getting a firm answer and getting rid of any ambiguity. Yeah, no.

People often say they need closure about their ex and once they’ve gotten closure, they can move on with their life. Not so fast, Pythagoras. It doesn’t matter how many questions you’ve had answered in your quest for closure. There will always be more. Your quest for closure will never end because questions beget more questions.

Ambiguity is ever-present and the more questions we ask and the more answers we get, the more questions bubble up to the serve and we need to ask.

There’s No Such Thing As 100% Romantic Closure

Closure sounds like a great idea in theory but it’s a myth. In practice, trying to achieve closure is just like the image of the rectangle with the line dividing it in half for eternity. You will never reach the sweet spot you wish for because there will always be a gap (e.g. question) that gnaws at you.

In theory, you may have a list of 10 questions you would like your ex to answer but, let’s be frank, the answers are going to create more questions that need answers, and those answers will create more questions that need answers.

What to do?

Romantic closure checklist

You let all those unanswered questions remain unanswered. You fight the urge to get to the bottom of things. You don’t let your ex’s ambiguity, ghosting, or personal issues deter you from healing and moving on. You set yourself free.

Breakups or even loss of perceived connections are painful at the best of times but you will make yourself suffer a whole lot more if you tell yourself that you need closure by finding out XYZ or you need closure by admitting to your ex ABC.

Throw these questions to the wayside and take back the control.

By claiming you need closure what you are doing is putting the control in their hands. And that’s not where it belongs. It belongs with you.

Often breaking up is compared to kicking a drug habit. It’s an excellent comparison because it’s true.  Each time you message or come into contact with your ex you only exacerbate the pain and prolong the suffering. Kind of like a drug addict who needs a little shot to take the edge off before they kick their habit for good. Well, that shot just put you a few steps behind on your quest for a full recovery.

Let go of the illusion of closure and banish the irrational logic that is closure.

Ariadna Peretz | Relationship Blogger