Mai Tai Group

The good guys are there. The problem is that they often go unnoticed.

Women still say things like, “Where are all the good guys?”

It’s a funny question because the good guys are literally all around us. We don’t have to look far to find one or two specimens of this seemingly endangered species. The problem is they go unnoticed.

Now, I’m not talking about the guys who say they’re a great catch but actually aren’t. I’m talking about the guys who are good and don’t say anything (because good guys don’t have to say they’re good). They’re the ones who have a secure attachment style: they’re comfortable with intimacy, comfortable depending on others (and vice versa), and open & direct about their feelings. In short, they don’t play games.

But back to the real question at hand: Why can’t women see the good guys who surround them?

The way I see it, there are two glaring blind spots…

Pick Up Skills Aren’t Obvious

A big problem with a lot of good guys is they can’t/won’t flirt to save their life.

Flirting and networking confidently are vital skills. If a guy doesn’t flirt with the woman he is interested in, how will she realise he is interested in her? If he’s into her, he needs to show her there’s some attraction. It’s by flirting she sees there’s more to him than his nice guy-ness and she’ll consider him a potential lover.

I know tonnes of these types of guys who can’t/won’t flirt and it breaks my heart because they would make great boyfriends, husbands and dads. But chances of that coming to fruition seem so slim because women see them as BFFs, not BFs.

Some guys don’t even notice a woman’s flirtation. She may gaze into his eyes longingly, flip her hair or even say, “You’re so cute, why are you still single?” but even if he’s interested, he won’t realise (or doesn’t want to show he’s realised) she’s flirting so, unless she’s got mega confidence to make the first move even though he hasn’t shown any overt interest, nothing comes of it.

 Longing For An Emotional Rollercoaster

I’m not blaming men completely. Women have their issues too. Namely, we have this habit of equating drama and volatile behaviour with love.

Good guys with secure attachment systems are supportive and kind. They’re straightforward with their feelings and don’t give mixed messages. These are all wonderful qualities but we seem to have a knack for falling for guys who give us the hot-and-cold treatment. That emotional rollercoaster is addictive.

The guys who give us mixed signals usually have an avoidant attachment style. They avoid commitment and intimacy, and think being dependent on a person is a personality flaw. Their subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability can make you feel anxious and insecure. Each time you attempt to get close, they pull away. But when they feel sufficiently independent, they come back with a loving gesture.

After a while, these ups and downs get you equating anxiety and bursts of joy with love but that’s not love. 

So here’s the issue: If you have fallen for your fair share of avoidant types, you will equate the emotional roller coaster to be an indicator of love. Conversely, if a nice guy who is forthcoming and honest tries to position himself as a possible significant other, you may think there’s no chemistry and/or he’s boring because you’re not getting the highs you’ve become accustomed to.

Top Tips For Women & Men

We need to work on both sides of the equation.

If the good guys want to expand their options, they need to get their groove on, and show their sexy and playful sides. Sound hard? It isn’t. It’s a question of learning some skills, building confidence, understanding what is appropriate, and practicing. Let’s talk if you’re interested in coaching sessions.

Women, on the other hand, have got to realise that love can be passionate without being dramatic and good guys can be sexy while still being good. Sound hard? Possibly because dramatic love affairs are crazy addictive even if unhealthy.

For there to be more successful long-term relationships us women need to be less reactive to the first impression and give good guys more time to show us their amazing qualities. The good guys, by the same token, need to learn how to flirt and be confident enough to flirt so they can show women that behind that squeaky-clean exterior lies the man of their dreams.

P.S. If you want to find out what your attachment style is you can do you can start by finding out your personality profile here.